DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB

I tried. I really tried. But my retired friend’s debut novel was so bad I just couldn’t get through it. I had to put it down after struggling through 56 percent of the thing and move on to something else.

Let me say right up front that this was NOT a science fiction romance novel, and the author was no one any of you faithful readers is likely to know. I generally have a rule about the books I read within this community—if I can’t say anything nice, I don’t say anything at all. Most of the pros in the SFR community have worked hard to get where they are; they seek out advice and critiques from each other; they deserve to be treated as the professionals they are.

But I’m sure you’ve all had this experience: the minute you mention you’re a writer, someone in your intimate circle says, “Oh, I’ve always wanted to write a book! I’ve got this great idea!” And they proceed to tell you all about it. And pump you for information about publishing and agents and all the rest. Advice which they will then ignore.

Just remember the second part.

That’s what happened with this person. As soon as they retired from their job (I’m using the nongender pronouns deliberately), they started on a huge historical/adventure novel with romantic elements. And, to give them credit, they finished their book and self-published it. Bravo! It’s no mean feat to write a book, after all, and the skills needed to either format and design a cover for the thing (or find someone to do it) aren’t to be sneezed at, either.

So, appreciating all that, and thinking that the person is of above-average intelligence (and that I enjoy the occasional historical novel), I thought, well, I should buy a copy of their book. Authorly solidarity and all that, right? And, what’s more, I should read it with a thought toward, possibly, giving it a review.

But, yikes! The first thing I tell aspiring authors is this: every writer needs a good editor. The biggest mistake beginning writers make is thinking they can do without one, because, I don’t know, they passed eighth grade English. Or, because Spell-Check. No! Good editors will not only keep their clients from making dumb grammatical and spelling errors. They will keep them from boring their readers to death with info-dumping; or confusing them with head-hopping; or throwing them into plot holes big enough to swallow a truck.

In the case of my friend, an editor would have saved them from the huge mistake of choosing a quirky system of punctuation that somehow substituted ellipses (. . .) for commas in the weirdest places, eg: “Sir . . . you are a fool!”, as opposed to the proper, “Sir, you are a fool!”. I spent most of the first few chapters reading the dialogue in William Shatner’s voice, with pauses in all the wrong places! I know this was a deliberate choice because the writer is an educated person who went to the same college I did. Such things were never allowed at my alma mater, even in the History department.

Then there were the many sentence fragments, which can be used to great effect at times, but not all the time. Not to mention the long, detailed passages of historical detail, which amounted to info-dumping. And the fact that the hero and heroine, who are meant to be a couple not only in this book, but in a series, were still not together after half the book. *sigh*

Needless to say, I won’t be writing that review. Instead, I’ll be trying to find a nice way to tell my friend what they need to hear about improving their writing. In the meantime, I needed to cleanse my reading palate. I started in on Stephen King’s latest, Billy Summer, and heaved a great sigh of relief. Now, there’s a man who knows his way around a keyboard!

Cheers, Donna