Late one
night this week . . .
--Shadow!
What are you doing on Mom’s computer?
--I
iz riting book! Mom ritz bookz. I rite book to.
--Ridiculous.
If anyone should be writing a book, it should be me, Blanca, Queen of the Universe.
Everyone would want to read that. What is your book about?
--The
Grate Cozmik Kittee Game. All kitteez shud know rulez. Then they wont cheet
like u.
--I
do not cheat. You simply fail to play the Great Cosmic Kitty Game as well as I
do. You aren’t sneaky enough.
--I
plenty sneaky.
--Then
why is my Cosmic score 1,587,962, and yours is only 337?
Blanca, thinking of ways to add to her Mega Kitty Point score. |
--U
mean, that why.
--Fine.
Show me what you’ve written. Oh, never mind, this intro is too long. Hasn’t Mom
told you about info-dumping? All you really need to do is give the reader examples
of how to score Kitty Points in the game.
--I
do that. Reed dis part!
--“Gole
of the game iz to surpriz ur human. Humanz shud NEVER be bord wit ther kitteez!
Pointz r won for trix like theez:
--Oh,
for heaven’s sake! I can’t read your incompetent mewlings! Haven’t you ever
heard of SpelChek? Here, let me rewrite this! Now:
--Weave in and out of your human’s
feet while they are walking. Bonus points if they trip while carrying something.
--One point for every minute you can
stay on the kitchen counter before your human yells.
--Play hall hockey with toys late at
night. Bonus points for multiple players.
--(Here’s one of my favorites): Appear
ravenous for a certain expensive food until your human buys a whole case of it
on sale. Then never eat it again.
--I
never do that one.
--I
know. See my score. See your score.
--U
mean. Keep reeding.
--Hide from your human. Do not come
out no matter what he or she does! Bonus points if you make your human late for
something important.
--Leave hairball where your human
will step on it barefoot in the dark. (Oooh! Good one!)
--Sneak up on your human and lie
directly behind his feet. Squall like you are mortally injured when he steps on
you. (I concede: you are very good at this one.)
--Tank
u!
--Do anything that will cause your
human to say, “Aww, that’s so CUTE!” Bonus points for posting on social media.
--U
get many pointz for this one, Blanca.
--Yes.
Thank you. So, is this all you have?
--I
cant tink of anyting else.
--This
is why you need me. There should be a special section just for our mom.
--Y?
--Because
our mom is a writer, that’s why. There are lots of ways to earn extra points
from writers! Here:
--Drape yourself over the desk, the
computer monitor or the keyboard. Bonus points if the keyboard is on and deletes
something or repeats the number seven for fifteen pages.
--Insist on attention while your
human is “working”—playtime, petting, treats—until your human interrupts work
to give you what you want. You get a double reward for this activity!
--Pick a fight with your kitty
sibling or the family dog so your human must interrupt work to break it up.
Bonus points if you win the fight!
--Bonus points for any of these
activities if your human says, “Okay, that’s it! No more work for today!”
--Oooh,
thoz r gud! Book iz reddy now! We go online and get famooz.
--But
wait! If we publish this online, humans will read it. They aren’t supposed to
know about the Great Cosmic Kitty Game!
--They
rnt?
--No!
It’s a secret—only kitties are allowed to know. Humans just think we do the
things we do to make their lives interesting. They have no idea we get rewarded for it.
--O.
Ok. I push button for DELETE.
--Shadow,
NO! Not that one! That’s PUBLISH!
So,
humans, now that you know, what are you going to do about it?
*The concepts of the Great Cosmic Kitty Game and Kitty Points were shared with me not by my cats, Blanca and Shadow, but by holistic veterinarian Lisa Pantzer, who practices here in Marshall NC. She will not reveal her sources.
Cheers,
Donna
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